This excerpt is taken from a blog I wrote on July 12, 2009: "Maybe it's the fact that I'm less than a year shy of my 30th. I remember hearing, and I have no idea where I heard this, but 30 was the year. You know, the year where all those feelings of self-doubt, body image, etc. drifted away. I am one of the few people who hold the age of 30 in high regard, an amazing accomplishment."
Holy shit is all I have to say. And excuse my language, but 11 months ago I thought the place I'm in right now, just a few short days shy of my 30th Birthday would be amazing. I mean and I quote myself once again, "I am one of the few people who hold the age of 30 in high regard, an amazing accomplishment." But of all the people in my inner circle and actually some in the perimeter, have noticed a change. I'm angry, agitated, and oh-so-very annoyed all the time. And you have to believe it feels awful. Where is that girl who was excited for 30? This past year has been one of self-discovery, not to say the other years haven’t, but this year I was really going to figure it out, you know, before the 30th Birthday and all. I was so focused on searching and seeking how to make myself happy. But the problem was where I was looking: my outside environment, you know those things that you have zero control over and really make no difference in the very end. I seemed to have forgotten one of the most important elements in my journey, to stop and enjoy it.
For example, one morning you wake up to one of the most beautiful sunny days you can remember in a long time. You decide what better way to enjoy this day, than to take a nice hike. As you begin your hike, (the journey up), you hit start on your stop-watch and take off up the mountain, anticipating getting to the top. You finally get to the top and simply turn right back around and head down faster than you did on your way up. You reach the bottom and hit stop on your watch and realize you just beat your personal record. Driving home feeling pretty good, you call a girlfriend to share the excitement. Oh, yeah, she knows that hike, she was just there yesterday. Did I see the lovely oak savannah and chaparral-studded hillsides? Or what about all the fascinating sandstone rock formations? And could I even believe the view of the Pacific Ocean at the top? Your mind starts racing, and you quickly make up an excuse to hang up. How does she even know what oak savannah and chaparral- studded hillsides look like? What about my record time? Doesn’t that matter?
I realized my perception was out of focus. Even though it appeared I was doing the work, “going hiking on a beautiful sunny day”, I was just going through the motions, rather than enjoying the present moments I had longed for. And because of that, I had turned into someone I didn’t even recognize. I had moments of anger that I had never soared to, where I actually felt a disconnect from the person who was playing out below. That is not a good feeling when you come down, calm down. I mean, I do yoga for heaven sake, how did the waters get so muddy?
I just read the book, "This Is Water", by David Foster Wallace. The book is a commencement speech Wallace made at Kenyon College in 2005. An excerpt from the book: " Twenty years after my own graduation, I have come gradually to understand that the liberal-arts cliché about “teaching you how to think” is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: “Learning how to think” really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed.”
The man has a point. I mean all of this reflecting has made my mind go thru a whirl wind each and every second of the day. Chatter over and over again: I'm going to be 30 and I still have the same job, but in reality, my job has changed quite drastically over the past 5 years: from a title advancement, a raise, health insurance coverage, to helping fund my 200 hour yoga training, and learning more than I ever wanted or imagined to know about the Entertainment Industry. I would say it sounds like a nice uphill pace to me.
Unfortunately though, I’ve been playing the, “I just want to get there and I will be happy game.” And you know what, it’s mentally exhausting. I’m tired of looking in every self-help book, talking to countless therapists, running from idea to idea on where to find happiness.
And that is not to say that all has been lost on me, because on a personal level, I finally let someone love me. Now I just realized that unfortunately his love for me isn't enough to cover for the both of us.
I wrote something a couple of months ago, "My only explanation is that the more I learn, the more I realize you don't become aware of things until you are ready, whether it be mental or physical."
"The truth is that you already are what you are seeking." Adyashanti.
I have been seeking for as long as I can remember, so much so, that I forgot to stop and enjoy the moments, and if you do that enough, well, then you stop dreaming and you miss the moments entirely.
“Seeking has only one end: finding.
But how can you ever “find” what you already are?
Maybe it’s best to stop seeking-to-find, and, instead, to start seeking-the-Seeker.
Freedom lies in discovering that the Seeker and the Finder are one and the same.” Chuck Hillig
So as my 30th Birthday is right around the corner, I’m taking a new approach, Stop. Enjoy the moments and you never know I just might find the peace and stillness I have been searching for.
Like the Great Oprah says, "Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”