Yogaworks Training Pictures

From time to time people ask me how my training is going, when will I be finished, etc.? Mainly because everywhere I have been in the last two weeks I have been carrying every piece of information from my training, which includes handouts, quizzes, a 4-inch binder, and five yoga books I had to buy, so I can study and finish my take home test. When I reply that this weekend is the last weekend, people then ask what happened to my blog? Yes, yes, what happened to my blog? Why haven't I been blogging? Well, I have tried from time to time to sit and write, but it just wasn't happening. I even have a stack of birthday cards, a mother's day card just sitting in my workbag, waiting to be personalized. So what's with the can't even write a card to my mother for mother's day block?

Well, here is the best way I know how to explain.
The best sentence that sums up my training would be: I feel more unlike myself than I ever have, but I know I am getting closer and closer to my true self. In a world of distractions, it's easy to go with the flow, to not rock the boat, but once you go down the path of Yoga, which according to Patanjali there are 8 limbs of yoga, with asana, or the physical practice being number three on the list, you begin to realize that Yoga is much more than just balancing a handstand in the middle of the room.

One of my favorite quotes on yoga is,

"The goal is not to tie ourselves in knots ...
we're already tied in knots.
The aim is to untie the knots in our hearts.
The aim is to unite with the ultimate, loving, and peaceful power in the universe."

That being said, over the course of the last six months, whether I was aware it was going to happen or not, I started to untie. I didn't go crazy or anything, but at times I felt as though I might. I spent weekends surrounded by 25 other females in a room together sharing, learning, listening, growing, breathing, and moving. There were no glasses of wine to fuzz anything, there were no distractions, just the uncensored, undistracted, unveiled women all realizing things about ourselves whether we were ready or not. And for me, I wasn’t ready to blog and share where I was or still am at times. But I did feel as though I need to finish this blog, to see it through, just like my yoga certification. Here is an excerpt from a paper I had to write a couple of months ago during training:

I’m just in a different place right now. I don’t want to pretend I’m incredibly positive and yoga is curing my neurotic mind, b/c I’m not truly there. And I don’t want to post that on my blog, the same blog I wallpaper on facebook and email to everyone I know, constantly checking in with them to see if they have read it.
The good part is that I’m far enough along, whether it’s from yoga or my upbringing with shrinks and self help books, that were given as presents for the holidays, to acknowledge what it is when I see it and have faith that I will move past it. To not be so terrified, thinking I’m going crazy and distract myself for way too long. And what is way too long? Long enough that you lose hope or not so much that it’s lost, but when you can’t see it, then it’s too long. I’ve been through the worst of it and taken care of myself enough to know that there will always be hope.
All I’m saying is that I’ve had my share of tragedy in my life and I’m not trying to play the victim card…it’s actually quite the opposite. I’m proud of what I have accomplished spiritually and mentally, b/c sometimes before you have the tools, it’s easier to go down the distracted shorter paths in life. And well, the only person I need being proud of that, is myself. Does that make sense?

In the book, “Light on Yoga”, Iyengar writes about Avidya stating,

“These causes of pain remain submerged in the mind of the sadhaka, (the aspirant or seeker). They are like icebergs barely showing their heads in the polar seas. So long as they are not studiously controlled and eradicated, there can be no peace. The yogi learns to forget the past and takes no thought for the morrow. He lives in the eternal present.”

I entered my training positive, hopeful, enthusiastic that I had found my passion in life. And although as I finish my training, I still find that to be true, I am leaving with much more. And even though I have been hesitant to share, I still needed to find out where the reluctance was coming from. All I could do was acknowledge it and wait to see what came up, on and off the mat.

From, “The Study and Practice of Yoga, An Exposition of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali” by Swami Krishnananda, Krishnananda states,

“Our fate is not in the hands of other people. It is under the control of certain other forces, and if we ignore them and emphasis the external factors, we will be doomed. It is no use judging ourselves in terms of the colors that we put on due to the relationships that we establish between ourselves and external things. We are mostly engaged in confirming the attitude of consciousness that it is dissociated from its content. This is a pitiable state of affairs. Our activities are not a remedying process of this illness. Rather, they are a confirming process and, therefore, we are getting more and more bound every day, in spite of our making it appear that we are trying for freedom or liberation. So a very acute, incisive analysis is necessary of what is happening inside us, rather than of what we are doing outside us. We need not go on analyzing our outward conduct and activities as much as focusing on what is happening inside our consciousness."

It’s amazing how reading a paragraph can open your eyes. This next paragraph really brought everything full circle.

“Therefore the gaining of a control over the inward tendencies of our personality is a new system of educational refinement of ourselves, which has very little to do with what we regard as important in life, and which is completely different from all the values that we regard as meaningful in life. We get reborn into a new world altogether when we step into the path of yoga.”

I realized that I am continuing on my spiritual path, a path that is constantly revealing my true self. The avidya is being lifted and a self that is different than what I have known, what is considered “normal” in society, is emerging. Therefore, I felt if I posted this inward self-discovery on my blog, my friends and loved ones not on this spiritual path would judge me. But if I have learned anything at all, the judgment, the resistance comes from within.

Inspirational Quotes

On Yoga:
"The goal is not to tie ourselves in knots ...
we're already tied in knots.
The aim is to untie the knots in our hearts.
The aim is to unite with the ultimate, loving, and peaceful power in the universe."

Motivational:
"When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds; your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be."
- Patanjal

Looking Inward:
"You can search the whole universe
and not find a single being more worthy of love than yourself.
Since each and every person is so precious to themselves,
Let the self-respecting harm no other being."
- Buddha

Letting Go:
"Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom."

Just Keep Going:
"There is vitality, a life force that is translated through you into action.
And because there is only one of you in all time,
this expression is unique,
and if you block it,
it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.
It is not your business to determine how good it is,
or how valuable it is,
or how it compares with others expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours, to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your works.
You have to keep an open mind and be aware directly to the urges that motivate you."

And last but definitely not least:
" And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

UPDATE

BLOG UPDATE:

I can now do Eka Pada Koundiyanasana I. Anyone who has taken yoga for an extended period of time knows that one day all of a sudden a pose becomes accessible. Almost as if your body has known the pose forever. Just like those epiphanies I've talked about in earlier posts, the same happens with the physical practice of yoga. My only explanation is that the more I learn, the more I realize you don't become aware of things until you are ready, whether it be mental or physical.

I also felt the desire to update on Billy Mays, because of the unfortunate press of his "drug use" following his death.
Even though TMZ reported the laundry list of drugs found in Billy Mays when he passed away last June, CNN reports a more detail account. (SHOCKER!) The toxicology report did find trace amounts of numerous prescription drugs and one street drug (Cocaine), but the amounts were not initially released. CNN reported, "The autopsy found low concentrations of ethyl alcohol "consistent with social consumption of a few beverages" as well as the narcotic drugs hydrocodone, oxycodone and tramadol. Mays had prescriptions for the drugs -- which were found in therapeutic or sub therapeutic concentrations -- to ease hip pain. Also, Xanax and Valium were found and determined to be in therapeutic or sub therapeutic concentrations as well.

Simply the Best; Almost...

I find the more I venture into the world of "Yoga," the more I am peeling off layers and getting to the raw me. That's one of those epiphanies, you know, where all of a sudden something clicks and it seems like you just figured out how to stop global warming, but in reality it's more like 1+1=2. Maybe it's the fact that I'm less than a year shy of my 30th. I remember hearing, and I have no idea where I heard this, but 30 was the year. You know, the year where all those feelings of self doubt, body image, etc. drifted away. I am one of the few people who hold the age of 30 in high regard, an amazing accomplishment. Then, I discovered something around the age of...hmmm...26; that sounds about right. I finally stopped partying like I was in college and, well, found yoga. For the first time I stopped...I listened...and of course I talked and talked and thankfully I had a great support system who listened, but hey, that's what I paid her for! And so began my journey of self improvement, which I haven't yet stopped.

I don't need to be the best; there I finally said it. It's something I consider a blessing and also my Achilles' heel . I just need to enjoy myself and feel good in the process. Something incredible about one of my favorite morning classes is that I'm one of the youngest yogis in the room, (come on, do you really think I would go there?) and one of the few that can't balance a handstand in the middle of the room, or do Eka Pada Koundiyanasana I, and I don't even try. There is something about a 71-year-old man balancing on his hands that quickly makes the ego disappear. Instead of it frustrating me, I have no choice but to let it go...I'm not trying to make the Yoga Olympics here, I'm just trying to practice yoga. I might be the "wallflower" that my favorite teacher, Kathryn refers to, but I just haven't seen any scientific proof that balancing a handstand away from the wall or being first in your high school class, or president of a fortune 500, or hell president of the country makes you any happier. I mean Joe Biden looks like he's having a pretty good time, see what I'm getting at?

My mother reminded me of a story recently. I was in 11th grade and heading out for a night at the neighborhood mall with girlfriends. While exiting the house, my mom kindly asked if I studied for my test I had the following day. I told her I had. She then asked if I had studied enough that I would get an A? I told her I had not studied enough for an A, but was confident in securing a B and therefore I would like to spend the remainder of the evening hanging out with friends than wasting my time just to get an A. I think most mothers in that situation would tell their daughters to go back into their bedroom and study until they knew they could secure that A. But instead my mother had this look of contemplation on her face. She couldn't argue with me. Instead as she tells the story to this day, she was proud of the perspective her youngest daughter had. Now obviously that story doesn't work for everyone, but for the type of person I am, for the 4 year state university I would be attending two years down the line, well, then it works out just fine.

I would be lying to say I'm not envious at times of those type A, hardworking, stop at nothing until I reach the top, type of personalities, but envy doesn't change who you are, rather it creates a lot of negative feelings that don't serve a purpose. I spent a long time of my life, well, the 20's feel like an eternity, pretending to be a lot of things that I wasn't. It's exhausting, and it's confusing, but I realize it's part of the process. I'm finally starting to not only be me, but be comfortable being me. I am truly understanding what everyone was talking about when they said something just changes, shifts around the age of 30. And as much as I wish there had been a disclaimer letting me know the work that had to be done to get here, I'm sure I would have just skimmed over it to go hang out with friends anyway.

Life Back Guarantee

If you weren't one who thought of death from time to time, then you definitely have in these last two weeks. It’s been a strange time for the Entertainment World to lose iconic and influential people so close together. Its weird, creepy, and even fun to get to know celebrities from the roles they play. We, the public, feel as if we know them, whether it’s from their characters on TV or from the interviews and press we constantly see them in, they start to become very familiar to us. We don't always identify or feel a special bond to all celebrities, but from time to time there does seem to be a few who catch our attention. That being said, with the tragic deaths of Farrah, Ed, MJ, and Billy Mays, most of us felt a tug in our heart at some point in the past couple of weeks. For me, it was good ole' Billy Mays. I know, what can I say? I don't know if it was his boisterous voice and persistent demeanor I identified with or maybe that his show, "Pitchmen" was filmed in my home state, Florida. Whatever the reason, death was a subject not far from my mind.

As far as I can remember, my mother and I talked of reincarnation. Therefore, when I started practicing yoga and learning its philosophy and beliefs, which is closely tied with Hinduism, a spiritual practice that believes in rebirth, it wasn't something far fetched for me. According to the Hindu religious and philosophical concepts, man is composed of two fundamental principles opposed to each other per nature: one spiritual, the soul (atman), and the other material, the body (sarira). The soul is eternal, immutable, not born, not created, indestructible; instead, the body is temporal, created, mutable, destructible. The union between soul and body is not essential, but is accidental. An easy way to imagine Reincarnation: the soul is immortal and keeps reentering a fleshy body time and time again in order to resolve experiences and thereby learn all the lessons the material world has to offer.

I'm not writing about Reincarnation to project my beliefs on everyone; you know all 15 of you following my blog! But I truly believe that in each lifetime we are here to learn certain lessons and when those lessons are learned, we then move on to the next life.

The more I learn about yoga, the more I realize what an important part of this life it is for me, teaching was just a natural progression from my physical practice. I fell in love with yoga the first class I took over three years ago. I don't have a gymnast or dancer background, I grew up playing softball. But the more I learn about the history, the foundation of which yoga is based on, the more I realize what I'm doing here. I'm not trying to get all woo woo on you, but there is something about being in the room, holding a pose, breathing slowly in and out with your eyes closed and just feeling content. Its not about how strong your arms are getting or the burning in your legs, its about the space you create not only physically, but mentally. Your mind becomes clear and for a couple moments a day you feel content. And for me, that's really what life is all about, finding that contentment, even if it only stays for a few minutes each day. I realized that every time the subject of dying enters my mind, the one thing I hope is that I'm content. I am content with the life I have lived, the decisions and the sacrifices I have made.

I was watching the "Pitchmen" tribute last night to Billy Mays. They showed the time line of his career starting 20 years ago at home shows, always busting his ass making infomercial after infomercial. Only recently did his hardwork start to pay off with respect by his peers, credibility in his field, and a guest spot on, "The Tonight Show." They showed recent clips of him finally enjoying the family he never had time for before, the life he had worked so hard to obtain. So, I asked myself, why now? Why after busting his ass for his whole life, does he leave right when he has become content on who he is professionally, financially, and personally? And I can't believe I am writing this all about the man who is best known for promoting Oxyclean, but I finally realized, that was one content man.

“Our thoughts create our reality -- where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.”

Why do we always look for the perfect way to start something? Have you ever sat down to write something, maybe a card to a loved one, a term paper, or even a business letter, but got so wrapped up on the way to begin you stopped all together? We can place so much emphasis on the ideal opening that we get turned off and put down the project all together. For the last couple of days, I have been trying to write this blog. I did research on the web and there is an enormous amount of information on how to construct the most effective blog. The problem is, I kept focusing on finding the "perfect" title and opening that not only did I come up empty, but I lost focus of the goal, the most significant thing: Writing the actual blog!

I find that this happens with a lot of things in my life. I spend too much energy on the trivial details, therefore losing focus and most of the time completely forgoing the original goal.
But why? Does it come from a place of fear? And as I am writing this, fear seems to be the only viable answer. At times we can get so scared that it’s easier to create completely different situations that distract us instead of trying to stay on track and move forward. And how do these distractions even help with what we were originally focusing on? Well, they don’t and the sad part is, most of the time we don't even realize we are doing it.

So, how do we realize it? How do we wake up and confront our fears head on without creating distractions along the way? Well, here it is, the transition to yoga. Yoga is the best way I know on how to become aware. Written in the book of Yoga Sutras it states: “When doubt is there, there is a carelessness, a sort of lethargic attitude or laziness. And when the mind loses the interest and alertness toward the higher goal, it has to do something else so it will slowly descend to the sensual enjoyments. The point here is that we should not keep changing our object of concentration. When you decide on one thing, stick to it whatever happens. Even if it is a long route, your perseverance will make it short. Our aim is to make the mind steady, so it is immaterial what object we take. Anything can take you to the goal, because you are not concentrating on the object for the sake of the object but for the sake of your goal. Why do we want to have this one-pointed concentration? To make the mind clear so you can transcend it. You are not going to cling to the object but just use it as a ladder to climb up. Once you have reached the roof you leave the ladder behind.”

I guess that’s a pretty damn good start, even though I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Palm Springs, conversations with my friends, and the glasses of wine I drank to distract me from writing this blog.

Birthday Blog

I know this Blog is supposed to be about my yoga certification, but not only do I have a lot to say, my Birthday was Wednesday and therefore a post was in order!
If anyone has ever taken yoga regularly at the same studio, you know there is something amazing about the yoga community. Even though you can practice in a room with 60 people sometimes, you get in your own zone. You are there for the breathing, for the release of not only the toxins from your body, but the bad energy that doesn't serve you well. After each class you feel alive, open, ready to take on anything. Naturally, with all those toxins released and endorphins flooding your body, you build friendships and bonds with people. You may only see them at your studio, but they are genuine, authentic friendships with no agenda. What I'm trying to say is that while upside down in our one minute handstand holds, the whole class sang, "Happy Birthday" to me. It was honestly one of the highlights of my day. I then went home to find a heartfelt Birthday card from my boyfriend, (which if anyone knows me, they know how much a card means to me). I was on a high. Groundworks gave me a free Birthday coffee...life was good. I went to work...my cell phone died and had to visit 3 different Verizon Stores, but a couple hours later came out victorious with a new cell phone...I know what you are thinking, "How did I check my facebook birthday wishes while my cell phone was dead?" I didn't, it was definitely a low point of my day. I then spent the evening with my best friend and went to my favorite restaurant, Jiraffe with my loving boyfriend. Ended the night with ice cream and red wine. I couldn't imagine a better Birthday.

Yoga Journey Journal

I remember growing up dreaming about my future as an adult, which I’m sure most of you did as well. Remember how glamorous it seemed? Staying up all night, being able to eat McDonalds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, going wherever you wanted, whenever you wanted. There was nothing or no one that could stop you, after all you would be an adult. According to Merriam-Webster.com the definition of an adult is: fully developed and mature: grown-up. Well, I can tell you, I became “fully developed” at the age of 13, but I don’t think that’s what they are talking about. So what exactly are they talking about, because as I sit here 2 days shy of my 29th Birthday, I can tell you I feel far from fully developed and/or mature. I feel more confused now at 29 years old then I did at the age of 10. And unfortunately, I have learned that as an “adult”, I don’t want to stay up all night, b/c I have to work in the morning, I don’t want to eat McDonalds b/c it makes me feel like shit, and I can only go where I want after 6pm Mon-Fri. and on the weekends. But where is it that I even want to go? I have spent the last 7 years as an adult wondering where that was. I wondered from Orlando to Atlanta, to Ft. Lauderdale, out to Hollywood, and finally residing in Santa Monica, CA. Well, I can tell you one thing, I finally figured out where I want to live. I guess that’s something to be happy about. Maybe I’m thinking too much and not living enough. Why if we can live to be 100 years old do we need to know at 23 what we want to do professionally for the next 40 years? And why do we feel if we don’t know then something is wrong with us? And why do I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City right now?

As my 29th Birthday is fast approaching I decided to make some changes. For the first time in my life, I wanted to make goals for myself. I mean real long term goals. I decided that I wanted to become a yoga teacher. I just rolled my own eyes while typing that. But nonetheless, I am on my way. This Friday I will begin the YogaWorks 200 Hour Teacher Training. This blog is to document the highs and the lows of my journey. Have I finally found my calling? Will this be everything I dreamed it to be and more? Who knows? But what I do know is that I finally feel a little closer to becoming an adult.